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Saturday, November 20th, 2010
9:10 pm - Untitled: Improv.

You may be a hypocrite,
But I'm the whore;
I am the easy target
And I should be destroyed.

A fallen star that never flew,
I come undone and
I become
Regret itself.

This is purgatory,
Not survival.
I've never been alive enough
To ever yearn to die.

Yet I fade before you,
Though I see your scars.
Your wrists are pink with texture.
And I somehow envy your descent.

I long to bleed,
To shed this sorrow.
Wallowing in shame--
I can be so melodramatic.

But it hurts just the same.
I lost myself somewhere,
A self I've never really known.
There is but one photograph,
Just one little girl smile.
She had a bit of a spark in her eyes.
That light is long since dead and gone.

I imagine that this
Is how it feels to die.
Yet I've never felt
What it means to be alive.

current mood: morose

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Saturday, April 24th, 2010
4:20 am - Untitled...Just Typed This Out On My Phone A Few Minutes Ago...Yeah...

Heart's under siege.
Thinking, feeling;
Recollections of you--
Ravaging, ravaging--
Ravaging me.
Love, love,
Love me harder.
Like you mean it.
Make me regret you
Harder tomorrow
Because you don't.
Alone and shaking,
Lonely and manic, and
These long nights,
They tend to turn into you.
Sick, sick--
Heart's under siege.
No end in sight.
Not so long as your face remains
Deep in mind, haunting
Like a beautiful ghost.
I cannot imagine this
Weight lifting from me;
I, worse yet, invite it to stay.
Memories, memories--
Dirty and raw,
Beautiful and close.
From lust came the passion,
From passion came desire.
Love, love, love--
Sick, a heart so sick.
Damned heart's under siege
Once again.
Hold me close,
Hold me like you used to.
So deep and lovely, we were;
We mattered once.
We sparkled like infinity.
You said I was beautiful.
I let you degrade me.
This hopeless girl, a faerie fair?
I told you I was yours,
You didn't seem to realise.
On my knees for you,
Always then and always now.
"Whore." "Bitch." "Fuckdoll."
I embraced each word.
I embraced each breath of you.
I felt justified somehow.
Making myself worthless
Just to feel worthwhile.
So weak, I haven't the strength
To let go of your soft touch.
I haven't felt you in six months.
Yet I can still taste your kiss.
Powerless and pathetic,
Crushed and humiliated;
I am so ashamed by some,
But I cannot take back all I did
To try and make you see--
I love you, but you know this now.
Too late, too soon?
There would never have been a time.
So here I lie, as usual,
Unable to sleep yet dreaming,
Terrible and desperate
To get this message to you still.
Lovesick and lost in your eyes,
Even though they are not before me,
They look so like my own.
Battled, just like the ballads say...
Heart's under siege.
I cannot surrender.

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, May 16th, 2009
10:55 pm - How He Pulled His Strings

Hello was the name of our first day. And

Our love should be in a travelogue.
Where the confession should travel in pages
of states, wires, pixels and dates.
Then the foreign fingers will come and print.
They will take a seat, and they will watch us.
They will try to cut it sometimes.

I try to bite back every dog that attacks.

When you trapped me in the elevator,
you pushed the right buttons.
Rocketing me into your hands.

We’re tied in a knot, and for
That, they called us naughty.
Sleep next to me, you asked me to.
Sleep, so you cannot see them.

He’ll wrap his skin to be my blanket,
like how fingers will draw inside me.
Like how I will read his face marks.

His fingers will strum the signals,
in full speed, I circled his orbit.
He hung me, dizzily in his sky.

You pulled me in,
As I rest on your palm,
Curled in your dreams.

afi ; fire.

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Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
12:00 pm - A Letter To My Second.

I haven't posted here in ages, I know, and I do apologise.

But here is something I wrote a couple of days ago. It's the first thing I've written in a very long while, which is obvious at points in the piece, and I do realise that it could use some work. I do, in fact, plan on putting some revision into it, but here is what I have for now.

First draft.Collapse )

And of course, I am open to suggestions for any upcoming revision.

Thank you.

Julianna Belle.
(Archangel Of Beauty.)

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Sunday, February 8th, 2009
11:30 pm

Eyelids held tightly together, tears determinedly carried on the journey they had begun. She had always hoped for that world, the one that always seemed brighter - where the sound of her laughter danced with the sun that presently escaped her. The promise that she had made to herself, the promise that she wouldn't always be plagued with ruin. Things were different now. As she looked back on her naivety, she realised that dream had been tainted with melancholy from the start. Her innocence had been betrayed, it seemed there was only one way to really feel after all.
This time,
                  she let the tears run freely.

12 Jan, 2009.
angel of peace.

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Friday, January 2nd, 2009
12:21 am - baby, you better treat me right

it's a mixed combination of hope and fear. and hating the way it all comes flooding back every time i see you. and a little bit of guilt because everyone says you're no good for me but maybe that's what makes it so exciting. i think i'm giving in to doing what makes me happy in the moment, that instant gratification.

i never thought you'd be the type to inspire me. but i guess it's from all the pain you've caused. i am astounded that i keep going back. i think the only way to get over you is to get away from you.

amanda | truth

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Monday, November 24th, 2008
7:48 pm



The day my heart stopped beating
and the words dried up in my mouth;
leaving a taste so - indescribable; bitter and hurt.

I know you are still here,
even though your wings are so light
and so soft
I hardly feel them when you brush them against my face.

I know you are still here, though.

Angel of the day. Angel of the night.
My angel.

Too many years and too many tears;
but you are worth them all.
You always will be.

Angel of peace. Angel of the storm.
Protecting me and guiding me through it all.

Never forget.



seven years...I just can't believe it.

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Sunday, July 13th, 2008
12:40 am - the door that creaks

how do you open up a can of thorns that tears
my throat, that eats my trust and spat out breaths that
falters on your feet? this was in desperate measure, when
we moved on your bed, and i reconciled my
sacrifice for you, like how i thought it should be.
i sacrificed my chains to your neck, and let you fly.
but then you landed and nested on another continent,
and traverse in a land that made my flag desolated in mud.
how did you open a heart of sensitivity? or maybe it
has slept in me, numb in the cocoon, blooming
by trudging on our keys. or when you called it out,
as loud, as it rings through my rooms, and knocking.
you opened the door, and then it lay shattered on
the floor, it is licking your blood and my
perverse desire for absolution. but i called it for
feeling intimate, to let it dance with me whenever
i felt someone else walking in your rooms, someone else
frolicking in the chair, sipping coffee and left her
notes on the wall. then you threw it away, but at the
same time, i threw yours to mine away too. i said,
i am beginning to lose hope. i am the beginning.
you began to hang myself all around you again, and
you granted me that sense of authority, and then
you caressed me. and i wanted more, and you wanted more.
i am not a larvae, but a slug, seeping through
the leaves that you grew from me. i drank the coffee.
i am the cracked china on your hands, on your map.
i am still serving you your dominance, but now i fell
into the damp weather and left myself drinking
my own rustic water. i serve myself the dirt,
and i serve you my finest streams, the chill the warmth.
i live in this house. it is rightfully mine.
isn't it? how do i have the key?
is it because i am good for you? why, for now,
feeling i am lacking, i am low and crumpled
is how i am supposed to be? what about you?
Someone who is supposedly good at everything,
but also good for me to feel content
yet good for me to ruin everything?

afi ; fire.

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Sunday, May 25th, 2008
2:51 am - the journey so far

the past seven years
were like hand-holding.
you assured me that all i needed to do was
"cut along the dotted lines
this paint-by-number life"
and hey, it turned out beautiful.

of course there were bad times
when you'd let me go just to explore a bit
but like any good father,
when i stumbled too far
and got lost in the forest,
you still welcomed me back.
even when i was miles away
i always felt your love.

in the process, though,
i guess i got a bit cocky.
after all the success,
i thought i could do it on my own.
all the challenges you gave me
were still well below
my range of ability.
and so the lies began.

now, this challenge lies before me
you called me to lead
something bigger than myself.
so i'm back here
on my knees
begging for mercy, courage,
& the Spirit only you offer

why did i think i could manage
this life on my own,
when You're the one that gave it?

jessica | death

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Monday, May 19th, 2008
9:22 pm

you are so far away
that my voice is an echo.
my words bounce off
canyon walls and satellites
before they are hurled back at me.

sometimes we overlap;
our sentences covering one another
like mylar.
we peel our conversations apart.
see our fingerprints.

we wait in line.
this is playing fair.
these are the rules
of classrooms.
see our patience.
see our folded hands.

you say this distance is good for us.
we don't argue anymore
but how could we?
our insults would only
fire back; say a certain word
and a minefield explodes.

when you don't hear me
i hear myself twice.

i miss you.
i miss you.

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